| I should be sleeping right now |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|12:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  One too many a thing not plus | ] |
| [ | music |
| | One X - Three Days Grace | ] |
But instead i'm sitting here typing this because i felt the urge to do so.
What am I? Or more so, what good am I? *smiles a bit* I want to do so much more than i am able, and i that makes me a little bit sad. I want to help them feel better, and i know that i do. But i want them to be truly happy, and i cant give that to them. No matter what i do, my actions cannot erase a past lifetime of hurts and insecurities. I cannot stop others from hurting them further. And i hate that. I hate that i cant do the imposibble and simply rewrite the actions of others so that my loved ones aren't being hurt anymore.
I hate how he's hurting her, and how he knows it, yet does nothing to change it. HOW DARE YOU?!?!? HOW DARE YOU TAKE FOR GRANTED WHAT SHE HAS TO OFFER! HOW DARE YOU USE HER, WILLLINGLY, AND HAVE THE AUDACITY TO FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT YOU USE HER, YET STILL DO NOTHING TO SO MUCH AS APOLOGIZE FOR DOING IT! SHE IS NOT THERE SIMPLY FOR YOU'RE CONVINIENCE! SHE DOES NOT DESERVE WHAT YOU DO TO HER! YOU HAVE NO. FUCKING. IDEA. WHAT YOU HAVE, WHAT YOU SO CALLOUSLY ABUSE. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU TRULY ARE. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE THROWING AWAY, AND I FUCKING HATE HOW YOU SO WILLINGLY MALICIOUSLY ABUSE HER.
I hope you fucking learn. And i hope the lesson hurts you.
You all need to leave the boy alone. What has he ever done to you to deserve your contempt and ridicule? All he does is give for you, and you throw it right back in his face. And you wonder why he is so upset. You wonder why he yells. You wonder why he is not so nice as he once was. Perhaps if you opened your fucking eyes and saw what it was you did, you wouldnt wonder anymore. You wouldnt be so surprised. Now i throw no stones. I know i've not always been the best to him, but at least i'm aware of it. At least i try to make amends for what i do. At least i'm willing to talk to him about why he feels the way he does. At least i want him to feel better.
I want them to be happy. And i'm going to do the very best i can to help them acheive that.
~Panda~ |
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| What one thinks at 4:36 am |
[Sep. 26th, 2006|04:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Human after all - Daft Punk | ] |
Sooooo...this is my first entry in over a month. Probably two months. I dont really remember, thats how long its been. It's 5:00 am, and this is apparently whats on my mind. Enjoy.
Who knows how the west wind blows? "Not I" said the Panda to the spy. And one more thing, in a world of asymmetry, why do so many expect symmetry from one person? Why is it that they must fit the perfect form when no such thing exists? How is that fair? Now look what you have done. They destroy themselves for you and all you do is criticize. They can never be good enough for you. No, no matter how they pain and slave and change they aren't perfect enough. They have to many flaws. And now it's far too late for me. They wont listen to what i have to say. They wont believe me. They dont want to hear that they are fine just way they are. That they are beautiful as they are. They dont want to hear that it's their imperfections that make them perfect already. They cant understand how I can think that when all their life they have heard otherwise. It's far easier to listen to the hatred and contempt then believe that someone truly loves them for them.
Fuck you culture. Yes, you heard me. Fuck you. Fuck you for creating this image of fake perfection that makes them hate themselves for not being what they see. Fuck you for destroying so many with your stupid, narrow-minded, horrendously hypocritical, fucking hateful ideas. "Oh, to be beautiful you have to look like this." "Oh, to be beautiful you have to act like this." "Oh, to be beautiful you have to think like this." Fuck you. Mere words cannot convey the contempt i have for you. For every single one of them you've left crying alone in their room, For every single one of them who've hurt themselves because of you, For every single one of them who have died in your laughing arms because of a few small words. Fuck. You.
But who am i to condemn such a powerful and pervasive collective mindset. I'll tell you who i am. I am a man who intentionally lives his life to not be most people. To not be the norm. To think before i act or speak. To think in general. To show kindness. To freely give all i have to offer. To be the nice guy. To be the shoulder to cry on. To be the one you can trust. To offer myself to any and everyone who has need of me, and expect nothing in return. And you know what? I am happy with who i've shaped out to be. I am glad to be the exception to the rule. To be the surprise. To show you something you weren't expecting. And it hurts me to see them suffer unnecessarily. Why wont they listen to what i say? Why dont they want to believe that they are beautiful? That i love them without limit and without expectation? Why are they afraid of being truly cared for?
By now you must be wondering just who this "they" i speak of is. You know who it is. You know them. You live with them. You might even be them. I will not specify anything, because for some reason to do so would ruin it.
Can i write more? Yes. I can write much more. Will I write more? No. Though i have have much more to say, i do not quite know what it is, and i do not wish to take anymore time than i already have. So i'll leave you now with some final words of wisdom as i take my leave to contemplate my inner workings once more.
Love without rules.
Do what feels right.
Your .....? neighborhood Panda,
~Travis~ |
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| OMG! An actual entry?!?!? |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|07:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Libraryness | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Duality - Ra | ] |
Yep. An event not witnessed in over a month, Travis is writing a "real" entry in his LJ. I'm sorry it's been so long. Blame myspace. If i do write anything, it's usually there. I dont have too much goin on at the moment really. After 3 weeks of irritating and frustrating applying and reapplying and all kinds of bullshit, i finally have a job. I work in the Pepsi warehouse on International drive(?)(road?). Monday - Friday , 8am to 4:30pm. I make $10 an hour. So far i've only worked one week, tue-fri last week, but things are good so far. I had to learn how to drive/use a forklift, but that only took a matter of 10 or so minutes. I'll admit, i'm not the best at using the damn thing, but i do well enough to do my job. I hate driving backwards though. Sometimes it's necessary to do so, but i hate doing it, especially when i'm driving by other people. It makes me really nervous. I'm working on it though.
In other news, i got the game Guitar Hero recently, and i'm having a blast with it. Besides being great fun, i get the added bonus of improving my reflexes and hand dexterity. And that my friends is a bonus for everyone. (the hand dexterity part) Kinda like DDR is great fun and improves reflexes and leg speed. (or so i've noticed anyway)
A little while ago i started to write an anonymous letter. The twist is that it's an anonymous letter because i dont know who i'm writing it too. Yeah i know. I'm a weird person. But it arose from the compulsion to write, but not just for myself. To write to a specific person. To write to someone who might even write back. I guess i just havent figured out who that person is yet. No matter. I'll get it sooner or later.
I think i'm done here for the time being. My brain has kinda decided to stop having things for me to write about. So i'll talk to you all later. Before i go though, i'll leave you with this question:
If actions speak louder than words, what does inaction say?
Your friendly neighborhood Panda,
~Travis~ |
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| And for the first entry in 7 or so weeks you get... |
[Jun. 21st, 2006|11:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Bubba's house | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Guitar Hero Music | ] |
if you comment on this post:
1. I’ll respond with something random about you.
2. I’ll challenge you to try something.
3. I’ll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I’ll tell you something I like about you.
5. I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours. |
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| I got tagged yo |
[Apr. 26th, 2006|03:21 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | 24 hour comp lab | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 10,000 Fists - Disturbed | ] |
I was totally tagged =)
Got tagged by j4ck13_is_slow
Once you are tagged you MUST write a blog about your 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next six people to be tagged and list their names.
1.) I cant go anywhere without having my baby blanket on my person. I freak out if i cant find it.
2.) I take a long time to actually do any school work, but once i get started on it, i cant stop until i finish it. Unless its an essay, but the rules are different with those fuckers.
3.) I have the ability to look/go into people souls and converse with their inner persons. I can also leave a piece of myself behind as to be able to easily get back again.
4.) I have sometimes get oddly irritated when i go into my room and see people using my stuff. Even thouhg i've long since given the ok for it.
5.) I can feel the feelings of those around me, especially if they are strong or if i have a strong connection to them
6.) I'm amazing with my hands, to the point of making some people uncomfortable with the amount of enjoyment i can give with a simple back and neck massage.
I tag...
saxkirby, disapearing_grl, ericknowsu, tika_maria, antiganon, only9lives |
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| damnit Myspace! |
[Apr. 25th, 2006|04:49 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | dorm sweet dorm | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Stupid Myspace! + other stuff! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | DDR Techno Mix made by Halliss | ] |
Well this is infuriating. I'm trying to login to myspace but "Sorry, An unexpected error popped up!..." Right. Fucking bite me. Whats infuriating about it is the fact that the first time i tried to sign in, i did. Successfully. But when i went to check the new blogs that i was told were available for my viewing pleasure, it told me that "i have to be logged in to do that!" Which i was...but i go to re-login, and i cant get on. Thus inspiring this update, which may or may not have a hint of ranty flavor. I'm gonna go with may not, because i generally have no problems with Myspace. Like ever. So this is all like, "woah! WTF is this shit?!?!?" But yeah. If i seem a bit...disheveled to ya'll, dont fret. You're not seeing things. I am feelin a bit off at teh moment. I'm really friggin tired. So i dont know why i'm not just sleeping instead of trying to get on myspace, failing, and writing this. Well, it would appear that i am a tool who wont go to fucking bed when he should. Oh, and that anger you might be sensing, i dont have a fucking clue man. I'm getting more and more like i was before spring break, and i dont really like it so much. It kinda sucks. I was all happy and good natured Jolly type Panda during most of break and for a good portion of time afterwards. But i guess the happiness is wearing off, and now i'm getting back to angry bitter disgruntled type Panda. Not cool dude. Way not cool. At least i recognize it this time and i'm aware of the changes occuring. Thats doesnt make them suck any less, but it does give me the heads up and the chance to change it.
Well anyway, i seem to have done a bit more of the rantiness than i had planned, but thats alright. I suppose it has to come out some way. And this way is much preferable to my killing someone/breaking stuff in a violent pent up Panda rage. But i think i'm going to go to bed now, and hope that i'll feel less like being brutally, bluntly, meanly honest to EVERYONE that i see tommorrow. I'm out like the fat kid in dodge ball my friends. Til next time,
Your tired and randomly irritated neighborhood Panda,
~Travis~ |
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| It's happy Panda update time! |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|08:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Halliss's room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | DDR + Techno mix by Halliss | ] |
Ah yes folks. It's that time again. Time for the friendly neighborhood Panda let everyone know that he lives and to tell everyone whats goin on. I tend to not update alot of the time i mean to. If i did, there would probably be several more entries here then there currently are. But anyway, Things are going pretty well for me i guess. I suppose its all well and good that i dont update much given i dont have much to update on. My mood has been good with the expected randomness. My class work has been fairly good. i expect i'm doing much better then last semester. I've been playing more of my video games, which is cool. I've beaten one and i'm coming close to beating another. My skills in the games i play with others - Super Smash, Halo and the like - are improving, if only a little. so i'm doing well all around.
I'm really excited about this upcoming weekend because Jen is coming down to see me. We've almost become a couple again, and i say almost only because neither of us has directly asked the other out again. I plan on doing so when she is here, because i like to do things like that in person. I have a good many things planned for her/us and i hope that all goes well so that i may implement said plans. I love her. She makes me really happy. ^_^ I'm really looking forward to seeing her again.
This is where i take my leave my friends. It's been fun, but i dont think i have much more to report or simply say to you guys, and i try to not be one to babble on endlessly. So i'll talk to you all later. Bye bye! ^_^
Good Morning, and in case i dont see you again, Good afternoon, Good Evening, and Goodnight.
Your friendly neighborhood Panda,
~Travis~
P.S I'm on myspace a whole hell of a lot more than i'm on here or anywhere else for that matter. So if your looking to chat or simply drop me a line, your best bet it to try me there. |
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| time flies when your having...whatever it is ur having |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|10:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  I GET TO SEE JEN TODAY!!!!! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Vicinity of Obscenity - S.O.A.D | ] |
Hello everybody!!!!! I'd say it's been about a month and a half since i last posted, so i think i'm a lil overdue. So whats going on??? Things are fairly good here on my end. They are now anyway. From nearly when i went back to college up until i came home friday - by the way, i'm home on spring break for the week - i'd been fairly miserable. Dont get me wrong, i had my days of contentment, and dare i say even happiness. But they were few and far between. The kicker of it all is very rarely did i know the real reason behind my feeling as i did. I know that i personally have a problem with having to know every minute detail behind feelings, but even this not withstanding, i had some problems. Some were due to my being lonely and missing people like Jen and Leah. Others where most certainly due to my interactions with people at college. One person comes to mind in particular because of my connection to her; my empathic abilities combined with her inherent and externally caused sadness had on occasion made for a very sad Panda indeed. This one also has a few issues pertaining to me directly that i wish she wouldnt have, though there really nothing i can do for that beside constant reassurance that it's not a problem for me. She need not feel guilt for services willingly offered and given. Anyways, i seem to be doing better here at my main home. I've been feeling better since hanging out with my brother and being of help around the house. I was a little irate friday saturday night, but thats because i managed to fry my PS2 while trying to fix a problem it was having. ( Do not, i repeat, DO NOT ever put the PS2 insides on aluminum foil and turn it on. {that honestly wasnt my idea, my friend Halliss was trying to help me get the PS2 to work again. He got a couple things mixed up though...-_-} ) I was extremely happy last night, thats because i talked to Jen for 1:20:25 (1 hour, 20 minutes, and 25 seconds) And yes, that is indeed the exact time. After i hang out with my aunt today, i am going to be seeing Jen. I must remember a few things though. Like not crushing her in a bear hug when i see her again. The hugging is alright, its the crushing that would be bad. That and i need to remember at some point that breathing really isnt optional, and that i should do some of that. But thats more of a situational thing...~_^.
Mmmkay, i think thats all for now...Oh, hey, if you have a myspace and are not already my friend, could you do me a favor and either give me your name so i can find you, or find me so you can friend me. Mine is currently The one and only Panda so i shouldnt be that hard to find. Also, there are several people whom i've been meaning to contact via email, so i should be getting on that soon. Sorry to you guys whom i havent contacted in a while. Alrighty then. I'll be talking to you guys later. Till next time,
Your friendly neighborhood Panda,
~Travis~
By the way, I am definitely Cuddlier than thou |
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| updateyness |
[Feb. 7th, 2006|03:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
So...i'm not dead! It's been a while since i posted here/ talked with those of you who read this, so i just wanted to let you all know that i am indeed alive and well. Ummm...i dont really have much else to report at the moment...things are going well i'd say. I'm getting to my classes and i'm getting my work done. SO its all good. Soooo i guess i'll let ya'll go for now. I'll try to update when i have something to actually say to you guys. Til next time,
Your friendly neighborhood Panda,
~Travis~ |
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| .... |
[Feb. 1st, 2006|02:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  i...words arent necessary | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hypnotize - S.O.A.D | ] |
.... You know when you find out something that ... i cant even find the right words... just...i...ow. *smiles a bit* And you know, i could see it. I knew it when i was last with her. It's not to late. It's never too late. I still love you. And i always will. |
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